I decided this morning that I need to get back to my routines. Although when the alarm went off at 5am I seriously considered saying screw the routine and staying in bed. But I did not. I got up and went to the gym, I did my workout, got Ian up and out the door for school, settled the grandparents and got Rosie up and going for the day too. I decided to not fall prey to the emotional chaos that seems determined to rule my world.
This past two weeks has been emotional draining for me. I am trying to be "OK" with everything. I don't feel that I have the luxury of falling apart or getting to upset. I did allow myself to eat all comfort foods this weekend and cry a little. But now I have to get on track. I have many "hats" that I wear on a daily basis, Mom, Nurse, Sister, Friend, Daughter, Woman, Psychologist, Housekeeper, etc. But my favorite is a real hat that says, "Queen of the World" I intend to wear it today and expect the rest of the world to play along.
8.31.2009
Best laid plans often go awry...
This weekend has been very difficult. It has been two weeks since Sean asked me for a divorce. I know it is the right path for us to take. But it is a bumpy path nonetheless. Sean decided and made plans to move to Wisconsin. He has a friend there who offered him the spare room she has. The plan was for him to leave Friday nite.
So I put it off until the very last minute and finally on Thursday I talked to Ian. Divorce was not even a word in his vocabulary. He understood the basic concept, or so I thought. Friday morning while getting ready for school, he comes to me with two toys in his hands. "Mommy" he says. "This is you and this is Dad (holding one toy in each hand, close together)and Dad is moving away (he pulls one hand far away from the other)but in a little while you will throw your divorce away and he will move back." I didn't know what to say to that. I tried again to explain that a divorce isn't something you can just throw away. And that Dad and I loved him but we couldn't live together anymore. He took in stride and headed off to school.
Sean spent Friday finalizing things and packing. He had set it up to stay in a hotel Friday night and leave out early Saturday morning. The plan was for him to say good bye to the kids Friday night. Well as you know the best laid plans often fail as did this one. His friend's flight was delayed getting in, the rental car couldn't be picked up until Saturday morning so he couldn't load it until Saturday morning, etc. SO by the time he got everything worked out it was 11am, both kids were awake and wanting to know what was going on. So he ended up saying good bye to them all over again.
Emotions were running high. Rosie only understands that Daddy had to go away. And now she is having real separation anxiety. If I mention anything that sounds like I am leaving she goes into hysterics. I was talking about going to the gym in the morning, she over heard me and started sobbing "No you cant go I will miss you too much." No matter what I said she would not let go of it. At church she was all gungho to go to nursery until she realized I wasn't staying in nursery. It didn't help that it was nap time. So we walked the hall for a bit until she fell asleep and I went to sunday school. Ian however did really well. He was really excited because the librarian from his school goes to our church (this was the first time we have gone to this congregation). He went right in to Sunday school class and was happy as a lark and made a couple of new friends right away.
I have been down this road before. I know it will be difficult and will take time to settle. I expect Ian will be ok for a little while and then it will hit him that this is for real and then he will struggle for a bit. I have added to my prayer for strength to handle my burdens. I also ask for the children to be granted the understanding and strength that they need.
So I put it off until the very last minute and finally on Thursday I talked to Ian. Divorce was not even a word in his vocabulary. He understood the basic concept, or so I thought. Friday morning while getting ready for school, he comes to me with two toys in his hands. "Mommy" he says. "This is you and this is Dad (holding one toy in each hand, close together)and Dad is moving away (he pulls one hand far away from the other)but in a little while you will throw your divorce away and he will move back." I didn't know what to say to that. I tried again to explain that a divorce isn't something you can just throw away. And that Dad and I loved him but we couldn't live together anymore. He took in stride and headed off to school.
Sean spent Friday finalizing things and packing. He had set it up to stay in a hotel Friday night and leave out early Saturday morning. The plan was for him to say good bye to the kids Friday night. Well as you know the best laid plans often fail as did this one. His friend's flight was delayed getting in, the rental car couldn't be picked up until Saturday morning so he couldn't load it until Saturday morning, etc. SO by the time he got everything worked out it was 11am, both kids were awake and wanting to know what was going on. So he ended up saying good bye to them all over again.
Emotions were running high. Rosie only understands that Daddy had to go away. And now she is having real separation anxiety. If I mention anything that sounds like I am leaving she goes into hysterics. I was talking about going to the gym in the morning, she over heard me and started sobbing "No you cant go I will miss you too much." No matter what I said she would not let go of it. At church she was all gungho to go to nursery until she realized I wasn't staying in nursery. It didn't help that it was nap time. So we walked the hall for a bit until she fell asleep and I went to sunday school. Ian however did really well. He was really excited because the librarian from his school goes to our church (this was the first time we have gone to this congregation). He went right in to Sunday school class and was happy as a lark and made a couple of new friends right away.
I have been down this road before. I know it will be difficult and will take time to settle. I expect Ian will be ok for a little while and then it will hit him that this is for real and then he will struggle for a bit. I have added to my prayer for strength to handle my burdens. I also ask for the children to be granted the understanding and strength that they need.
8.26.2009
The strength of an ant....
Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens . "Great", she thought. "Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry."
She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth."
She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."
Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"
Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."
This has become my new mantra , "God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will."
I definitely feel like the ant these days. It seems everytime I turn around a new burden has been added to my load. I have to believe there is a reason. This is not to say that there aren't moments that I want to cry and scream and rail at the unfairness of it all. But when all is said and done I pick the load back up and continue on. When I was younger I would pray to have my burdens taken from me. Now I pray for the strength to carry them.
She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth."
She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."
Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"
Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."
This has become my new mantra , "God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will."
I definitely feel like the ant these days. It seems everytime I turn around a new burden has been added to my load. I have to believe there is a reason. This is not to say that there aren't moments that I want to cry and scream and rail at the unfairness of it all. But when all is said and done I pick the load back up and continue on. When I was younger I would pray to have my burdens taken from me. Now I pray for the strength to carry them.
8.19.2009
ABC's
Bet you didn't know all of these.
A - Age: 37
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: laundry...it never ends
D - Dog's name: Sumner and Suzy
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee
F - Favorite color: green
G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver as a general rule, but I do wear gold occassionally
H - Height: 5'6
I - Instruments you play: Used to play Flute and Saxophone
J - Job title: Mom/Nurse
K - Kid(s): TIm, Nic, Ian, Rosie
L - Living arrangements: with grandparents, and kids and Sean
M - Mom's name: Alexis
N - Nicknames: Krissy, Kris, K, Jabberjaws, Mommy
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Nope
P - Pet Peeves: Stupid people
Q - Quote from a movie: As you wish
R - Right handed or left handed: both
S - Siblings: Lisa, Meagan, Samantha, James, Seth
T - Time you wake up: 5am - so I can get a workout out in before the masses arise
U- Underwear: Yes
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima Beans
W - Ways you run late: getting kids ready then myself
X - X-rays you've had: chest, arm, toe.
Y - Yummy food you make: Mac and Cheese, bread, chicken and dumplings
Z - Zoo favorite: Pandas
A - Age: 37
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: laundry...it never ends
D - Dog's name: Sumner and Suzy
E - Essential start your day item: Coffee
F - Favorite color: green
G - Gold or Silver or Platinum: Silver as a general rule, but I do wear gold occassionally
H - Height: 5'6
I - Instruments you play: Used to play Flute and Saxophone
J - Job title: Mom/Nurse
K - Kid(s): TIm, Nic, Ian, Rosie
L - Living arrangements: with grandparents, and kids and Sean
M - Mom's name: Alexis
N - Nicknames: Krissy, Kris, K, Jabberjaws, Mommy
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Nope
P - Pet Peeves: Stupid people
Q - Quote from a movie: As you wish
R - Right handed or left handed: both
S - Siblings: Lisa, Meagan, Samantha, James, Seth
T - Time you wake up: 5am - so I can get a workout out in before the masses arise
U- Underwear: Yes
V - Vegetable you dislike: Lima Beans
W - Ways you run late: getting kids ready then myself
X - X-rays you've had: chest, arm, toe.
Y - Yummy food you make: Mac and Cheese, bread, chicken and dumplings
Z - Zoo favorite: Pandas
UPDATE: Nic's audition
We recieved Nic's official acceptance today. Now all I have to do is figure out how much the budget wil allow.
There are options for lessons Fall 2009 TUITION –
Lesson Duration Once a week Twice a week
30 min $560 $1120
45 min $800 $1600
60 min $960 $1920
Group Theory Lessons - Free
Luckily, they have it set-up so you can make 4 monthly installments. I am also looking in to scholarship options.
There are options for lessons Fall 2009 TUITION –
Lesson Duration Once a week Twice a week
30 min $560 $1120
45 min $800 $1600
60 min $960 $1920
Group Theory Lessons - Free
Luckily, they have it set-up so you can make 4 monthly installments. I am also looking in to scholarship options.
1st Grade
Ian started 1st grade yesterday. He was excited to go. I on the other hand came to the realization that he is growing up much faster than I would prefer. He is suddenly a boy with his own opinions and preferences. I can no longer lay out clothes for him and expect him to wear them, he wants to pick put his own....whether or not they match. This morning he left wearing two different socks. He was well aware of this and insisted it was what he wanted to wear. All I could do was wave goodbye as the bus pulled away and hope he doesn't get teased about it. As a parent, I worry about his grades, the safety of the school bus ride, etc. but, what worries me the most is ...What if he gets teased or picked on at school. I can't protect him.
I know this is silly and there are much greater dangers and obstacles in the world. It just happens to be the one thing that struck me today as the thing I was worried about. I guess I will know how he fared when he gets off the bus this afternoon.
8.18.2009
Journeys and Changes
There remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved and therefore the marriage is irretrievably broken.
This statement is the only acceptable grounds on which to file for an uncontested divorce in Missouri. I find it interesting that it very accurately describes Sean and I's situation. We have struggled for the past year or two, trying to figure out how to fall back in love with each other and preserve our marriage. We weren't able to figure it out but, have become very good actors apparently. I am surprise by how many people have said, " I had no idea things weren't good between you to." Then the next question is usually "so what happened?" It is hard to explain. There isn't any one thing. It has been an accumulation of multiple things over a long time. I have learned it is possible to love someone but not be IN love with them.
After a surpisingly short conversation, Sean and I agreed it would be better to end things now while we are still ok with each other than to wait until we morphed in to enemies with such animosity between us that we couldn't agree on anything. It has been agreed that the kids will stay here with me and we will share custody. Sean plans to see them as often as possible. He will be moving up to Wisconsin at the end of this month (aug 29). He has friend who lives up there that has a spare room. It will be difficult for him to be so far away from the kids but KC holds alot of pain and grief for him. In the long run he will heal much faster and probably more completely by not being here (KC).
There is a whole gammit of emotion right now, but soon things will settle into a new routine and we will begin new journeys in our lives. As the saying goes...Time heals all wounds.
This statement is the only acceptable grounds on which to file for an uncontested divorce in Missouri. I find it interesting that it very accurately describes Sean and I's situation. We have struggled for the past year or two, trying to figure out how to fall back in love with each other and preserve our marriage. We weren't able to figure it out but, have become very good actors apparently. I am surprise by how many people have said, " I had no idea things weren't good between you to." Then the next question is usually "so what happened?" It is hard to explain. There isn't any one thing. It has been an accumulation of multiple things over a long time. I have learned it is possible to love someone but not be IN love with them.
After a surpisingly short conversation, Sean and I agreed it would be better to end things now while we are still ok with each other than to wait until we morphed in to enemies with such animosity between us that we couldn't agree on anything. It has been agreed that the kids will stay here with me and we will share custody. Sean plans to see them as often as possible. He will be moving up to Wisconsin at the end of this month (aug 29). He has friend who lives up there that has a spare room. It will be difficult for him to be so far away from the kids but KC holds alot of pain and grief for him. In the long run he will heal much faster and probably more completely by not being here (KC).
There is a whole gammit of emotion right now, but soon things will settle into a new routine and we will begin new journeys in our lives. As the saying goes...Time heals all wounds.
8.16.2009
Nic...audition
Earlier this week (Wed), I was reading the paper and came across an announcement about the Park University Youth Music Conservatory.I showed it to Nic and suggested we call about it. It turned out they were taking applications and auditions on Sunday(today). Nic was given an audition slot. We arrived a little early and met Professor Martin Storey, who was person Nic was to audition for. Nic played his two pieces, Bach's Minuet I and Sunrise, Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof. Before leaving, Professor Storey told us we should receive an email early this week giving us registration information as well as the instructors name. Although, he did not specifically say Nic got in, we are assuming the best from his comment.
This is an awesome opportunity for Nic.
This is an awesome opportunity for Nic.
This link will take you to the conservatory's homepage.
http://www.park.edu/icm/ycm/index.shtml
8.14.2009
Afternoon at the Lake
Elizabeth and I took the kids to the Lake for the afternoon. It was a blast and no one got terribly sunburned.
8.11.2009
Nature's Wonders
Sometimes Mother Nature presents you with the most spectacular scenes. Here are a few I was lucky enough to capture.
8.09.2009
August B-Day event
Here are some pictures from our family get together to celebrate the August birthdays.
8.02.2009
Women have one flaw...
IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN…
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you..
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you..
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT
THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
8.01.2009
Bigger Bucket
"I think I need a bigger bucket!!"
One of my favorite sayings it atributed to Mother Teresa and goes something like....
God only gives you what you can handle, but I sure wish he didn't trust me so much.
My take on it is more to the effect of....
God only gives you what you can handle, but I need a bigger bucket.
This pretty much sums up my week. So if you have an empty bucket laying around you might want to send it my way. I am sure I can put it to good use.
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