The Goddess of never not broken.

This piece is by Julie Peters. It resonated with me and I wanted to share....

You know that feeling when you have just gone through a breakup, or lost your job, and everything is terrible and terrifying and you don’t know what to do, and you find yourself crying in a pile on your bedroom floor, barely able to remember how to use the phone, desperately looking for some sign but finding nothing there to comfort you?

Come on, yes you do. We all do.

And there is a goddess from Hindu mythology that teaches us that, in this moment, in this pile on the floor, you are more powerful than you’ve ever been.

This figure has snuck up inside me and settled into my bones. She’s given me so much strength and possibility during a time of change and uncertainty in my own life. I wanted to unpack a little bit about who she is for those that might be, like me, struggling a little bit in that pile on the floor and wondering how the hell to get up again.

The answer, it turns out, is this: in pieces, warrior-style, on the back of a crocodile.

Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

The thing about going through sudden or scary or sad transitions (like a breakup) is that one of the things you lose is your future: your expectations of what the story of your life so far was going to become. When you lose that partner or that job or that person, your future dissolves in front of you.

And of course, this is terrifying.

But look, Akhilanda says, now you get to make a choice. In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way, and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to become new again: to choose how you want to put yourself back together. Confusion can be an incredible teacher—how could you ever learn if you already had it all figured out?

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful. Stoneberg writes:

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

That means that this feeling of confusion and brokenness that every human has felt at some time or another in our lives is a source of beauty and colour and new reflections and possibilities.

If everything remained the same, if we walked along the same path down to the river every day until there was a groove there (as we do; in Sanskrit this is called Samskara, habits or even “some scars”), this routine would become so limited, so toxic to us that, well, the crocs would catch on, and we’d get plucked from the banks, spun and eaten.

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

But remember Akhilanda’s lesson: even that new whole, that new, colourful, amazing groove that we create, is an illusion. It means nothing unless we can keep on breaking apart and putting ourselves together again as many times as we need to. We are already “never not broken.” We were never a consistent, limited whole. In our brokenness, we are unlimited. And that means we are amazing.

~And in my journey to find myself these past few months, I have realized that I have broken but not shattered. I will continue to put myself back together as many times as necessary to be amazing.~

Spring Semester....DONE

Spring 2012 semester is done! Final grades are posted. I passed. This semester took its toll and I am very glad to be done and put it behind me.

Overnight Camping - Webelos Woods

I went with the boys to their Webelos Woods Overnight Campout this past weekend. We had alot of fun and they worked on several badge requirements for Webelos; Cooking, Citizenship, Geology, Sports, and Engineering.

Did we bring enough stuff??

 Here's Our Album

The Gang's all here!

Cooking requirement...Hotdogs on a stick!

They had a fully functional trebuchet...Ian was thrilled.

Engineering requirement (part 1)...drawing floorplans.

Engineering (part 2)... Marshmallow catapults!!

Proof I was there!

Ian was fascinated by the sprouts inside a tree.

Watch out for the thorns.

Geology Requirement ...Quartz crystals

The boys found a black snake.....

Hanging out at camp.

The boys loved the log bridge.

Hanging around.

Hi, Mom! (Ian had the camera)

Sports Requirement - En Guarde!!

We watched the moon rise over the trees.

Bacon and eggs for breakfast...YUM!!

Leave no trace.
The boys left the campsite the same way they found it.

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Hiding by Dorothy Keeley Aldis

I'm hiding, I'm hiding

And no one knows where;

For all they can see is my

Toes and my hair

And I just heard my father

Say to my mother -

"But, darling, he must be

Somewhere or other;

Have you looked in the inkwell?"

And Mother said, "Where?"

"In the INKWELL?"said Father. But

I was not there.

Then "Wait!" cried my mother —

"I think that I see

Him under the carpet." But

It was not me.

"Inside the mirror's

A pretty good place."

Said Father and looked, but saw

Only his face.

"We've hunted," sighed Mother,

"As hard as we could

And I am so afraid that we've

Lost him for good."

Then I laughed out aloud

And I wiggled my toes

And Father said —"Look, dear,

I wonder if those

Toes could be Benny's?

There are ten of them, see?"

And they WERE so surprised to find

Out it was me!

40....

Happy birthday to me!

So today I turn 40. I decided since I have no choice in whether or not I age I might as well enjoy it and take as many people as I can along for the ride.

Since I also had to spend the day on campus I decided to take cupcakes into my algebra class and share with everybody. It made the review for our final a lot less stressful.

Happy New Year 2012

Another year has come and gone. I can not say I am sorry to see 2011 go. It was a year of losses and regrets for me.

And so I am entering into 2012 having made the decision to make not resolutions, but life changes. The first of which is to re-embrace church and prayer. I have been missing faith and prayer from my life. Second, is to change my way of thinking about food. I need to food use for nurishment not for comfort. Third, exercise must become a daily part of my life. I am signing up for the St. Patrick's Day 4 mile run and the Hospital Hill 10k. And I am considering the 1/2 marathon. Fourth, organizing myself will be a priority. Labels, binders, and boxes will become my friend.

I have decided this is my year to move forward ... instead of sideways.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

November

Ian turned 9!!

Thanksgiving.... this year was a little different. Lisa and I had dinner at our house with just us, Sean and Mom. We had turkey, smashed potatoes, hashbrown casserole, greenbean casserole, sweet potatoes, cornbread, corn, gravy, brownies, apple pie, pumpkin pie, and cherry pie. No disasters, nothing got burnt.....all in all it was a good day.

Cookie Day.... Chocolate with white chocolate chips, peanut butter, mini M&M, Sprinkle, Oatmeal raisin, Banana chocolate chip, and sugar cookies!!!

Finished my Book Essay for Sociology class....it was a 3-5 page paper on the book "The Help" focusing on socialization, class, strain theory, and deviance.

Girls Lunch

Lunch at Mestizo with Mom, my sisters and Tim.

Cupcake in a Jar

The newest creation.....cupcake in a jar. :-)

Whale vs. Mermaid

By: Delphine Fieberg

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Bikers

I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday. I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local mall. I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant. But you didn't see me, attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief. I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by. But you didn't see me, driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window. I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see me when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless. I saw you stare at my long hair. But you didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love. I saw you roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves. But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none. I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart. I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn't see me going home to be with my family. I saw you complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But you didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane. I saw you yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn't see me pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me. I saw you reading the map as you drove down the road. But you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn. I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date. I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But, you didn't see me trying to turn right. I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn't see me leave the road. I saw you waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see me. I wasn't there. I saw you go home to your family. But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me off. I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But, you didn't see me....

I have a lot of friends who ride. My dad rode. I hope to learn to ride soon. It always amazes me how people react to someone who rides. Personally, I am thankful for loud pipes and love the thunder as they come rolling down the highway. I try really hard to be aware of any bikes around me and give them adequate space. Occassionally, I do roll my eyes at what a biker is wearing but it usually because they lack appropriate leathers. I have been lucky enough to have never lost anyone to a bike accident and I continue to pray that I never do.

Good Morning....

Sometimes, it is worth getting up at 6am.....

I just really like this picture.

Hospital HIll Run 5k

This was my third year doing the Hospital Hill Run. I chose to do the 5k. I was able to run some of it this year and beat last year's time by a full 2 minutes.

A nurse's nutrition definitions

“100 Calorie Pack” — Whatever can fit in one hand.

“Breakfast” – the most important meal of the day, even if it comes at 1 pm and you started work at 7 am.

“Lunch” — will probably be your “dinner” as well, if you are lucky. Hope you brought something that is calorie packed. Think Ensure mixed with peanut butter mixed with bananas. Actually, that might be kinda tasty.

“Delicious” – any food that is free. Usually left over from some meeting upstairs. Somehow chow mein, cantaloupe, and spaghetti sounds like a totally logical meal.

“Dessert” — chewable antacid tablets from eating above combination of food.

Get Healthy Update

Unfortunately, I lost a whole week , last week. I had minor surgery on 1/28. The surgery went fine but the after effects of the anesthesia had me in pain for almost a week. Apparently, the gases get into the joints and take awhile to dissipate. Although, I didn't work out I did stick to my healthier eating plan.

So this week it is back to working out!

Weigh In: 233.8

Goal weight by 3/10: 225lbs

Ring around the Lili...

I laid Lili on a blanket, on the floor, tonight while I took care of something in the kitchen. I come back into the living room to find Rosie and Cati skipping in a circle around her. And Lili kicking and laughing in pure joy at her own personal human mobile.

End of Week One - GF

So far this gluten free diet hasn't been to bad. This is what I had for dinner Friday night.

First good snow of 2011